Summertime Blues

Ever have one of those weeks where you feel like you’re letting everyone down? There is literally nothing, short of the ability to control time, that I could have done to meet this client’s deadline yet I feel bad all the same. I talked myself away from my work bench a few minutes ago to get a cup of tea before I gave into the urge to throw myself, metaphorically, off the lanai. It’s been a week, let me tell you.

In another life (as in, last Tuesday), I’d already have a few drinks in me to help take the edge off another long and frustrating day. Over the past five years, I’ve gone from a few drinks here and there to drinking any time I’m not legally obliged to stay sober, all in the name of feeling balanced. Today I sit squarely, but unsteadily, on ‘teetotal’. I come from a long line of alcoholics, but I always figured I was smart enough to stay level and stop when I should. Smarts, as it turns out, don’t have shit to do with sobriety. Self-control is where it’s at, and – as the entire pizza I ate last night can testify, along with the rum I killed last weekend – when I am stressed, my will is weak. With practice and patience, I can get stronger. Until then, it will suck.

Tonight, for example. Tonight is going to suck. I have a mountain of work left to do before I can sleep, my husband is working all evening and all I’ve got for comfort is this damn cup of tea.